For a long time, I did not desire him
so I buried myself in things
that would keep me away:
“got a good book and got all in it,
tried a little yoga for a minute, but it won’t let go…”
He fought for his right to see me
and I ignored his attempts,
unsure of the necessity to have him in my life:
“I just can’t decide
If it’s you I want
Don’t want to choose between
Having you in my life or losing you for real
’cause I caught feelings…”
As much as I could remember the beauty of him, something still pushed me into another zone. The thought of him being a reflection of my good, and my bad, made me want to be free. I wanted to face another reality:
“We were too much the same, and I didn’t know, who to blame, cause I didn’t want to change; and you weren’t going to change…”
I was much more into my own feelings, tired of compromising, tired of insecurities, just so tired of second-guessing, and needing approval. I wanted to float. I chose to live amongst the clouds. It was time to face myself and see the good parts of me. Not the parts of me buried in monotony. I needed an atmosphere that would allow me to grow:
“Here I am, on a cloud
If you want me take the chance try love out loud
As I drift, through the sky
Shooting cupid’s loving arrow you just might try
So don’t miss me, take your time
You’ve only got one chance, yes…”
So, after listening to my heart, I put myself out there. My search had begun. My spirit no longer wanted to live behind a smokescreen. I wanted to live visibly, and openly. I stumbled, off the block. This newness, this world that I was beginning to see, wasn’t familiar. So, I was afraid, at first, but one day, as I mingled, I saw a butterfly, and the beauty of it was astounding, so I chased it:
“See a butterfly
Up in the sky
I got a story to say
And I’ll tell you why
You see my friend
And I need someone
Who feels and needs
The same as I
I’m searchin’ …”
♥ ___________________________ ♥
I am out here, in this world, alone most of the time, but not lonely. I needed to know what it felt like to just be me. So thank you Universe for revealing me to me. That friend that I needed, was simply Shila. Everything outside of me, is just a gift, but never again will I exchange my happiness for anything. I am powerful in this way.
♥ ___________________________ ♥
Let’s listen to each other more. We could avoid so much, if we weren’t afraid of what the other might say. Damn. Can we just talk? We have to be brave, because at the end of the day, our hurt feelings are just not the bigger picture.
Peace and love,
P.S. I want to shout out GOAPELE. She is a wonderful artist. I have enjoyed pretty much all of her recorded music. I want to make sure you hear this song. It is a reflection of me, and I am sure some of you can relate to every single lyric, just as I. It is amazing how someone else’s art can capture my heart so perfectly.
I find myself writing to this tune. Evolution requires that we face whatever made us hit rock bottom. These “rock bottom recoveries” are what make us and break us. So, this little tune cracked me right open! I had always been somewhat of a poet, writing since I was about 7 years old. Journals and journals full of words and thoughts in metaphors and similes! However, for the past few years, I couldn’t write. I couldn’t figure out why. Had I lost my ability to be poetic? I was stuck in this funk, in a place where I couldn’t arrange my thoughts. I was depressed and frustrated for a very long time. Nonetheless, that is over, and I write all the time! I just needed more life experiences. Sometimes we have to leave our comfort zones to really and truly find ourselves. I am searching. Aren’t we all? If you see me, let’s just have a good time. It’s really about being grown and mature and knowing how to express your love. Not just saying it, but living it. I HAVE NOTHING TO PROVE.
Let’s travel, don’t be afraid. Won’t you be free with me? My final destination, the motherland. That is inside of me.