I Love You Too Daddy

Image

“When you become a parent, your needs no longer are the priority.”

My father looked into my 30 year old eyes. He knew that I had been going through some things. He stared. He couldn’t look away. I could tell that he wanted to save me. I didn’t have to tell him the details because he already knew. He could feel my pain. He hugged me and told his favorite story of me from my childhood. He said, “you don’t know how much I love you. My baby girl! I can’t believe that you are a grown woman.” I gave him a soft smile, in hopes of disguising my pain. I said nothing. My intent was to forgive. I love you too daddy.

This post is to commend the fathers who make their children the #1 priority in their lives.

Up until the age of 8, I saw my father mostly everyday. Then I lost him to the world. He abused drugs, he abused women, and he abused himself. I became afraid of him. He chose these things over me. He chose women over me. He chose the streets over me. He did this for years and no one talked about it. The anger festered. By the age of 15, I was completely and utterly disgusted by him. He was no longer mine. I had to become a woman without him. I no longer wanted him around. The rotten life he’d chosen stunk. I could smell him coming miles away. I ran from him. I couldn’t stand his presence.  It wasn’t so much that I blamed him for anything, it was just, I’d seen him using drugs and it destroyed my image of him. I didn’t know what to say.

I moved away with no send off from my father. I discovered other men. I indulged. I then began to miss him, but I ignored him. He’s always been a loving man. Even through his chaos, he tried to be a part of my life. My heart was ice cold. I could feel him pulling on the strings of my heart. He felt heavy. It took years, but I finally let go of the anger! It wasn’t him that was heavy, he was only a man. Men aren’t perfect. It was me. It was the anger that I was holding onto that was heavy. I had to learn how to shed the burden of judgment. I had to accept his struggle. I have.

Life feels so much better this way. It hasn’t been easy letting go of the anger, but I have and my father has become my friend. He is my protection. He decided that he wanted to be there for me, to stand up for me and he has. The past seems so far away. Thank you daddy for holding my hand.

This post is to commend the fathers who make their children the #1 priority in their lives. In finding my true self, I discovered that the time in which my father was absent most certainly affected my life. It made me weaker in areas where I should have been strong. It made me susceptible to bullshit. It made me think that it was OK to be a rebound. I wanted that male presence. So I compromised. I allowed myself to be treated like a bad habit. I wasn’t the woman that I needed to be. Now, I get to be that. I get to be stronger. I get to blossom into my Queendom. I have forgiven my father, but most importantly, I have forgiven myself. I can finally move forward with LOVE.

I know that it certainly isn’t easy having children. It takes time, commitment, and patience. No child asks to be born. When you become a parent, your needs no longer are the priority. The needs of the child are most important. In the current state of our society, relationships end and children sway in the wind like leaves. Parents pay their child support and see their children sparingly. Don’t let that be your reality. Give your attention and time to your children. Treat them like fixtures in your life. Set your own emotions aside and spend time daily with them. It will pay off. Peace and love to you daddy.

You are my King.

Shila Iris for AfriKan Essence, Thursday, October 16, 2014, 8:56 a.m.

“Affirmation: Today, I will not dwell on the past or the future. I have no need for either, when I step fully into the present. I will no longer hold onto pain until it becomes anger. I will no longer hold onto to pleasure before it becomes an addiction. I will not anticipate pain or pleasure in the future to relieve anxiety. The present is the home of my being. Past and future are only the dreams of whom I was or what I might become. Today, I will release the past and its burden of wounded dreams.  

Advertisements

Pulling From the Universe Inside of ME – Nurturing My Cipher

Image

I was trying to go it alone, but he said, “I want to assist you through this process.” Before I knew it, I was crying. That is the impact a true friend has. It’s not just rhetoric, it’s responsibility. He wanted to hold my hand. He was pure.

***** The seasons will forever change. We all know it. The leaves have fallen off my trees. The ground beneath my feet is hard and cold. My flowers are hiding until the spring, but I can still feel the green, the roots. My foundation is being set. I’ve never felt this powerful in my life! It feels good. My season has changed and I’ve had to spend a lot of time alone. Spending time with myself, with my own thoughts, not being dependent on another has been empowering! Not jumping from affair to affair has been elevating. Having friends and family around who see the greatness in me, has been nourishing. I am not afraid to be alone anymore or to commit to myself anymore. I’m thinking, if you can’t be alone with you, why would other people want to? I don’t want to attract the same type of energy again and again, so I guess it is time to cleanse!

I record my experiences using poetry. When I talk to people about how great it feels to go through things, no matter how painful, when I tell people my story, they are interested! I’ve been encouraged to always be a griot, a storyteller, and to use the magic of my words to nurse my strength. When I write, I can feel the magic. It’s healing. I am a writer who’s finds the most comfort in telling my own story. My journey through the seasons has been tumultuous. I had been holding on to things that were damaging me. I had read many self-help books that I thought would assist in my healing, only to realize that the healing didn’t start until I let go of the thing that was hurting me most. I had to take time out to learn myself and although I have been alone, many people have come to me, and given me hugs, smiles, kisses, and so much love.

This is my thank you LETTER to the wonderful people in my CIPHER. Some of you are miles away, but when I needed you, somehow you sensed it, and you were right here with me. I am forever grateful. May we journey onward through the seasons. Everything is good until it is not! It’s been a long time coming… read (click on the image below to enlarge)

“his excitement in hearing my voice was attractive. it always had been. it felt real. not rehearsed. it felt right.”

the THANK YOU LETTER… you have to adjust your screens to read.All I See is You_October 2014 copy

and although, i don’t need to run to people to save me, i’ve realized that there are people who genuinely want to help. No matter how much I refuse, they feel like they have to. It’s quite amazing. I am grateful. this poem was originally published here, on January 29, with other things in mind. It is still relevant in my journey. it is not a love poem. it is a poem to show my regards for those who really CARE about me. and they have proven this time and time again. i can’t believe how wonderful you are. i deserve u. i miss u. People Around Us Poem copy

THANK YOU SO MUCH! Thank you friends, lovers, family, companions, artists- everyone who has experienced me! Everyone who rose to my occasion, everyone who was interested in the truth.

You are so true.
i can see the sun shining on me, through you.
i can see it in the words that you write.
the pictures that you take.
the stories that you create.
your style,
your flow.
i needed honesty.
i needed someone to remind me.
and you were that person.
i want to be like you!
Osiris, I am you.
Horus, I am you.
Isis, I am you.
Maat, I am you.
Zarina Asha, I am you.
Imhotep Famj, I am you.
SunRe, I am you.
Kitara, i am you.
Ike Ejiogu, I am you.
You all are the Papyrus of Ani,
and i am reading you thoroughly.
 All I See is You_October 2014_ 2 copy

thank you for the warm kisses.

thank you for SHOWING up.
thank you for not giving up on ME,
and not allowing me to give up on myself.
thank you for not humiliating me or lying.
Feet
I thank you for never running away,
and for respecting me enough to let me live through the consequences of my bad decisions. i kept a strong face, but I was crying inside. you all never passed judgment… i am running towards you at a fast pace, I need you most.
My opposing viewpoints earned me lifetime lovers. thank you for taking my heart carefully in your hands and stroking it.
through my experiences, I am wiser.
My feet are touching solid ground because of you.
I am most grateful for those who did not wait for the smoke to clear.
they helped me get to safety.
they gave me the tools, the support I needed to save myself.
No looking back. The new is on the horizon.
i am filling myself up again with REAL things!
thank you so much!
to those who did not compare my journey to their own or anyone’s.
they did not look for opportunities to vent,
they listened.
they allowed me to exist in exclusivity.
they allowed me to be in the lime light.
those who just accepted me for who i am.
those who did not share my pain with the world.
or talk about me in circles as if they had any idea what life has been like for me. 
you don’t know me at all. 

Thank you to all who allow me to tell my own stories.

thank you to those who did not stump on me.
their insecurities did not force me into a corner.
their insecurities did not force me to lie.
their confidence encouraged me to be free,
to be happy, to be merry, 
and not to live my life trying to please people who really don’t love me.
they helped me to see that I cannot be controlled.
i am in control of me. 
they helped me to not seek revenge,
but to release the things that bound me.
Friend:  “Let it go baby!
LET IT GO BABY!”
i was so blind, but now i see.
you listened to my story. you listened to the truth.
asante sana. nakupenda. lala salama.
I am Shila Iris also known as YoU.

Gotta give up it up to the cReAtor, allAh, JEHovah, mAAt, Jah, RastaFARI…

a song for you.

ERYKAH BADU:  THE Healer

Shila_Bobby Williams photo

Monday, October 13, 2014, 2:34 p.m.